Quest for perfectionism

Once upon a time, not too long ago, Martha Stewart was my hero. To me she epitomised perfection (excluding the jail stint of course!). I aspired to bake, cook, clean and organise like her. For those who know me well, my house does not look like it’s from a magazine layout and my work desk - well it’s an occupational hazard. 

However, despite what my home and my work desk look like, I am a perfectionist. 

When I buy a new book or a magazine, I have to make sure that the spine, corners and edges are not dented or blunt. 

So, naturally, I planned and planned and planned on how I’d give birth, how my son will be, how easy I’d fall into motherhood. Ba-boom. Uh, no. I had a spinal fluid leak, so I had 2 spinal blocks, my son wouldn’t latch properly, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to hold my son, I just wanted to go home. Plus, the day after my son was born, disaster struck. I couldn’t fit into my underwear. It’s funny now but I hadn’t planned for that to happen so I had to wear my husband’s! (Clean ones...) 

Anyways, I saw the beautiful, instant bond my husband and son shared and I thought, I’m not the perfect mother I’d envisioned, nor was I the perfect wife I thought my husband wanted. Thus started my anxiety spiral. I was so worried that my husband would leave, I couldn’t sleep, eat or rest. My poor husband, looking after a newborn and an out of sorts wife. I swear, my son must’ve thought his father was his mother in the first weeks.

Later on, having decided to seek professional help I stopped planning every single detail. I started to take it day by day. I also started to chant in my head ‘go with the flow’, ‘go with the flow’ - it’s now our motto. Jeez, it was hard! Especially as being a primary teacher and being used to planning for every single second of the day, it was a very foreign concept. 

Perfect for me now is seeing my son’s bright eyes in the morning, even if it is 3am! Perfect for me now is my son’s chuckle and cheeky smile whilst covered in milk, vomit, breakfast, lunch, dinner, rusk, whatever. 

Perfect for me now is how excited he gets every time he sees me. 

Perfect for me now is stepping on his giraffe when he’s just gone down for a nap. Perfect for me now is accepting the present.

Now for me to work on buying a less than perfect book....

What’s your perfect?

Intro

Reflecting is a funny thing, whether it be reflecting on yourself, others, situations or anything really. For me, at this present moment, I find it liberating. The past six months have been the most tumultuous yet at the same time, the most amazing experience of my life. There have been clear blue sky days, grey days, foggy days, and many many ominous dark dark cloudy days just like when the storm rolls in.

Funny as it seems, having, acknowledging, accepting and seeking professional help for my Post Natal Depression (PND) has been most rewarding. I have become and continue to become a better mother, a better wife, a better friend and a better person. I have found myself to be stronger, more resilient, tougher and surprisingly fierce. Fierce is one word that I never would have identified with. However, after an incident (one of a few) with my mother in law, I walked away with this sense of fierceness, one that I shall shield my son with and stand up for my rights as his mother - like a lioness looking out for her cubs. That I think was one of the first times I felt the grey fog had lifted and I could see a glimpse of the bright blue sky.